I was on the subway next to a nun dressed in full habit. You don’t see nuns too often these days. They’re an endangered species. When I was little, they were everywhere. “Yes, Sister, no, Sister.” It’s how we addressed nuns. They had a direct line to God in the days when nobody had cellphones or the illusion they could ring…
The Almighty is Too Busy for Your Problem
I’ve talked about this before. No one likes their own picture. I have a zit, look a stain, why can’t I have one supermodel shot like my friends? I’m looking for one picture that makes me feel perfect. My sister-in-law took that picture years ago. It’s my profile picture, though truth be told, I’m due for an update. I can’t be…
Things You Never Want to See: Porno Moth
“Mom, look. There’s a moth with two heads!” Declan’s staring at the moth on the side of the house. I look. Sure enough, there are two heads there. The thing is, they’re not near each other, as one would expect in a hydra-moth, they’re perfectly inverted. This isn’t a two-headed moth. It’s a rated R situation. We sit for a…
Retirement in America: Choosing Between Cat Food & Soylent Green
Every once in a while I get my portfolio statement. I say “Portfolio,” with a chuckle because I made the late twenty-something mistake of raiding it for a business then using it to pay down student loan debt. These days a graduate could never raid a portfolio to get college debt under control–they’d have to rob a small bank, sell some of…
Country Zen: Seeing the Dinner Through the Weeds
Every year I plant the garden. Every year I kill half. It’s a cycle. I’m okay with that–I’m getting old enough to do what I want to do in life, no questions asked. I have a system–I project out for harvest and compensate for my incompetence by overplanting. I get in trouble for wasting. “You don’t need to plant…
Two Happy Buddhas and a Dead Rainforest
It’s the last day of school–one of those pointless days that shouldn’t be on school calendars except the legislators who say “It’s not seat time that matters, it’s quality of learning.” Then, they mandate a 180-day school year. So, we end up with this useless chunk of time at the bitter end. Exams are done, kids come anyway. I feel bad for them. “Go to the beach.”…
Picking Grass, Smoking Weed: Horticulture for Kids
It’s a beautiful afternoon. Our friends came to see our new chickens, and we delayed doing homework. We said goodbye and walked back toward the house. Declan picked a handful of tall grass. He put it in his mouth. “Don’t put plants in your mouth” I said. “Vegetables are plants, are you saying not to eat vegetables?” I wish…
Busting the Curve on My First Second-Grade Project
We’re making poster boards of our favorite insects, Declan and I. It’s my first second grade project. I tell him I’m not going to do it for him, I’m going to make my own. “You can’t make one! Parents can’t do their own!” He chose praying mantises. I want to do butterflies. I bought five poster boards. That…
Don’t Say “Penis” Unless It’s Appropriate: A Guide to Censorship Part 1
“We learned about the human body today.” Declan is proud. It’s one of the few days he hasn’t said, “Nothing” when I ask him what he did at school. School children do a whole lot of “nothing” when you ask them. It’s probably why we need to give so many standardized tests, so we can measure the…
If It Walks Like a Duck…Poser Homesteading and a Brief History of a Long-Gone Era
Chicken Day is here. We went to the Putnam Farmer’s Co-op to pick out the birds a couple days ago. Putnam is an old Connecticut mill town in “The Quiet Corner,” the Northeastern part of Connecticut now famous for antique shops, formerly where textiles were made. My grandparents–the Canadian side, not the Irish side ironically–owned a liquor…