“Just Sit.” Why Moms Can’t Meditate

The doctor grounded me. "Relax.  Meditate," he said.  "Or go walking." I miss running.  I've been trying to meditate instead, but it's not the same. I'm not good at sitting still.  Maybe it's ADHD or my bad-athlete competitive streak. "You ran six miles, I'll run...

My Kid Can Beat Your Kid at Everything!

I survived Parent Teacher Conference last night. As a parent, I go out of respect. I know the poor teacher has to be there, and she's amazing. As a teacher, I'm sad dragging parents across six towns to wait in line for ten minutes with me. They worked a long day. I'd...

An Idiot Avoids the Genius Bar

I didn't really want to go to the Genius Bar. Not that there's anything wrong with geniuses. Technically, I am one. I know this because they made me take a test in second grade. Naturally, I won't retest. That would just be stupid. My IQ can only go down, and most...

Paying the Idiot Fee

I just got a bill for fifty bucks. I had a leak in my boiler. As a rule, I don't fix things that explode, flood, or have the potential to cause international incident. I'll sheet rock a hole, patch, paint, lay flooring like a drunk Irishman, tile, and hack. I've got...

Avoiding the Chainsaw Massacre: Ode to My Fake Tree

For years, the holiday season didn't start until we hiked deep into the tree farm and cut our tree. There'd be a marathon pre-visit to choose and tag our tree followed up by several swears by the adults when we cut it down. We'd drag it to our non-truck, and bind it...

The Science of Dog Biscuits

My kid eats dog biscuits. I don't encourage this. I've given up. "It's the only meat I eat, Mom, it's good for me." I can't control it. He gets out of bed or sneaks around when I'm not looking, stealing them from the cookie jar like they were chocolate chip cookies....

Sleeping with the (little) Devil

Somewhere in the middle of the night he comes to bed. Never quietly. Always in the same pattern, like a hurdler or high-jumper going for the record. Bounce, bounce, PLOP. Sometimes the plop lands over me successfully, gold medal achieved. Often it comes crashing down...

Sit and Eat Chicharones (Or Find Your Passion)

"What is it that gets you out of bed in the morning and exercising?"  "How do you write every day?"  "Why do you teach even though the climate is so bad for teachers?" These are three questions that crossed my feed this week. On the surface, they're all unrelated, but...

Yes, Starbucks Has Decaf

It's been about a month since they took my coffee away. "Decaf. Drink decaf." I've been in denial. I'm not old enough for decaf. I look in the mirror regularly to confirm this fact, noting that I do have four grey hairs hiding in my head. I can find them if I...

What Do Vegetarian (Freaks) Eat for Thanksgiving?

It's the number one question I get. Never mind that I never eat dead animals, but, "What do you eat for Thanksgiving?" Being a vegetarian that one day is nearly sacrilege. I'll break it gently--I eat the same types of things that I eat every other day of the year....